Sunday, February 6, 2011

Is it love or is it prayer?

Why is it that we sit by the phone, hold our breath, tell our hearts to skip a beat for someone? Or even the idea of someone? You daydream of a time when you'll finally share your life with that special someone and you just can't wait to share everything with them. It's like we're a vault waiting to be opened.

But then if or when the day finally arrives, why do we withhold those very whispers we've held in for so many years, anticipating to share with someone. We finally have a "green light" to share and we go silent. What happens?

The funny thing, as I sit here, I realize it's me. Nothing "happens". Rather, I just now have a option of moving from idealism to reality. But when given the option to share me, well, there's hesitation. Those same fears of rejection creep up, saying, "they don't want to know, it's too much, it's not a good thing...", holding me hostage to my own prison.

But more concerning to me than not sharing in my personal relationships is not sharing myself with someone greater, someone who knows all those whispers, thoughts, ideas that I secretly hold within and that's the ONE I avoid. So are these same fears what keep me from praying? Why would I not pray when Jesus already knows everything about me? When he's made the greatest sacrifice of love for me, why would I fear him? Is it a fear of rejection? That I'm not "enough", that I haven't done "my duty" for the day? That I "sinned too much" today to talk to Him? Today I want that to change. I want to take the risk.

Hebrews 4:16 "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Thursday, February 3, 2011

SLOW....Construction in Progress!

I take for granted the fact that EVERY day the sun shines here, the blue sky is piercing and the white clouds invite me to imagine. No, instead, I get in the car, as usual, fight my way through traffic or even just to get in the game of traffic. Today, the only difference was that I took Sam to the vet. We haven't had Sam since he was a puppy but I still love him as if he's been in the family since the beginning. Other dogs lay sadly in the waiting room, one in a sling, while Sam paws at the door, trying to make a new friend. Once he is called, he patiently endures being poked, prodded and lifted up on the examining table. He doesn't know why he's there but he trusts me. He doesn't whimper or make a sound, he just waits silently, knowing I am there. If only I started learning life lessons from my dog!

Following the vet, I make my way to the office and back, just like any other week. As mid-afternoon traffic starts to build, the road construction adds to the pile up. On most roads, there are cars scattered, making their own road rules and people meandering through moving traffic to sell things, entertain or just cross the road. It's also not unusual to see a man or child standing in the middle of a road that needs repairs, with a shovel in hand, hoping for some spare change. This drive was no exception. There were two little boys, no more than 7 or 8 years old, standing in the middle of the road, tattered clothes and most likely shoeless. Having my fill of Chex Mix at the office, I saved half in a ziploc bag. As I inched along the road, I reached out to boy closest to my car with the remaining snack. The other boy came running alongside my car, pounding the door with his fist, "Y a mi?!? Y a mi?!?", he shouted. I had nothing left in my car. He became smaller and smaller in my side mirror, what more could I do?

Construction is always in process. Except this time, it's wrenching my heart.